lleist means “one who refers to oneself in the third person.” It’s important for us cats to understand that being illeists can be a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it sounds pretty cool and detached when I say to my human: “Micro is ready for her dinner,” “Out, damn paparazzi, Micro needs her space,” or even less modestly, “Micro is the shit.” It can be used to intimidate your human into believing that you really are some “blue blood” type; this alleged (or even real) superiority can be used to manipulate the human into subconscious acceptance of Cat World Domination. Illeism establishes a sense of indisputably high caliber and imposing grandeur—a necessary prerequisite for world domination. Illeism can also allow us cats to distance ourselves from destructive acts that have been fairly (or unfairly) attributed to us. For example, I might say, “Micro did not set the alarm clock for 3 a.m.,” or “Micro did not destroy your precious couch.” This allows us and the humans to think objectively and calmly during a conflict situation. In contrast, we need to be aware that the human can also play the illeist game to achieve their ends. Common illeist utterances by various humans in the domestic scene include: “Meowmy is mad at Micro for poking holes in her favorite scarf,” “Grandpaw will be driving Micro to the V-E-T tomorrow,” or “Micro, you never listen to what meowmy says.”
Watch out though! While referring to yourself in the third person can lend you an air of cool detachment and objectivity, overuse of illeism is almost certainly a sign of a psychological problem. This becomes apparent when you realize that both Richard Nixon and Donald Trump have shown illeist tendencies. For example, Nixon said something like, “You won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference,” and Donald Trump said, “Nobody would be tougher on Isis than Donald Trump.” You can see why illeism might not always be the best style to adopt lest you be associated with deranged politicians or other clownish public figures. Other famous illeists include luminaries such as Charles de Gaulle, LeBron James (“I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James, and what would make him happy”), and even the great Julius Caesar in Shakespeare. For example, you could use this bit from Julius Caesar to intimidate certain elements who are spreading vicious rumors about you behind your back:
Micro shall forth; the things that threatened me
Ne’er looked but on my back. When they shall see
The face of Micro, they are vanished. (Julius Caesar II. ii. I0-I2)
In fact, Caesar died with his own name on his lips. In the face of betrayal and death, he exclaimed, ‘Et tu Brute—Then fall, Caesar.’ This style can be put to good use at crunch time. To avoid the dreaded car ride to the V-E-T, I always indulge in some ham acting with my human and say, “Et tu Hooman—Then fall, Micro.” It never works though.
Overall, I recommend that cats use illeism sparingly and only when Cat World Domination is at stake, otherwise you could end up having strange conversations with your human like this (as lampooned in Asterix and Caesar’s Gift):
Human (addressing me): She’s a feline menace!
Micro: Who?
Human (still addressing me): Err…you!
Micro: Oh, her!
A useful strategy would be to use illeism only in our darkest hours, as did Captain Hook in Peter and Wendy:
“Better for Micro,” I cried, “if she had had less yearning for Cat World Domination.”
Sources
- Barrie, James Matthew. Peter and Wendy. United Kingdom, Scribner, 1915.
- Viswanathan, S. “” Illeism With a Difference” in Certain Middle Plays of Shakespeare.” Shakespeare quarterly 20.4 (1969): 407-415.
- Ghazal Aswad, Noor. “Exploring charismatic leadership: A comparative analysis of the rhetoric of Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential election.” Presidential studies quarterly 49.1 (2019): 56-74.
- Amy Morin. Want To Make Better Decisions? Refer To Yourself In The Third Person. Forbes, Mar 10, 2017.
- Asterix and Caesar's Gift. India, Hachette Children's, 2004.
- I've superimposed my wonderful and sassy friend Sōsuke the Cat on my face.
