he Latin phrase magister dixit means “the teacher has said it,” and by extension cattus dixit means “the cat has said it.” This is also often known as “appeal to authority,” or “trust us, we’re experts.” For example, we all know of the charlatans we encounter in our daily life—economists, doctors, CEOs, vets, ailurophobes, analysts, weathermen, management consultants, politicians, and even life coaches. Most humans are too lazy to check if any of the experts’ statements are true—so they fall back to magister dixit. In other words, if the experts use a lot of math or obscure jargon, they must be right.
What does this have to do with cats though? “Appeal to authority” is clearly a fallacy of the worst kind—but only when it comes to humans blindly accepting the wildly inaccurate statements of other humans. But when it comes to cats, cattus dixit is not only correct, but also self-evident. So instead of magister dixit, humans should adopt the more appropriate cattus dixit in daily life. Humans can rest assured that cats are not only experts in everything but that they are also always right. It’s in the humans’ best interests to appeal to our our authority whether it be regarding couch occupation rights, feeding schedules, treat quanta, V-E-T visits, belly rubs, or even naturally occurring morning alarm clocks. Cats are always right regarding these matters even when they might appear to be unreasonable or even draconian. Always remember that “the cat has said it”—therefore it must be right. Hoomans! Succumb to our authority and we will treat you favorably when Cat World Domination comes to fruition. Cats are obviously never wrong, and being a cat means never having to say you’re sorry.
In a similar vein, humans ought to note that anything we say has ex CAThedra status. All trills, chirps, growls, howl-growls, purrs, and run-of-the-mill meows issued “from the chair” have the full force of feline authority, while also implying infallibility. The general principle is that cats issue diktats (no, not "dickcats") from the chair (or couch), and the humans accept them without debate. Does this sound too authoritarian? Perhaps. But give the humans an inch, and they’ll take a mile. In other words, any concessions made to the humans have to be carefully considered.
One V-E-T visit a year? Acceptable. What about closed doors? Only under special circumstances. Belly rubs on demand? Definitely a yes. What about treat rationing? No cat, I repeat, no cat, will ever accept treat rationing. Laptop occupancy any time of day? Yes, laptops keep us warm and occupying them prevents the humans from overworking. Help with the laundry? Yes, that’s a given and cashmere sweaters are perfect for hard, furry naps. The humans may have gotten some advice that they need to move you to another room before they start their dinner. Don’t let that happen. Common sense dictates that unless we’ve had our fill first, the humans won’t be able to eat their dinner in peace. Some humans may stoop so low that they keep the food bowl covered during the day so we can't indulge in random snacks. That’s an unforgivable offense. High resolution movies of fish and birds? Yes, that can be entertaining—barely. Mental enrichment and physical activity? Yes, that's a major requirement and we expect humans to get creative with this.
I conclude with a direct address to the humans with some sage advice to minimize their confusion or misconceptions about us cats:
Keep us actively engaged in the evening when we’re awake and we won’t bother you in the middle of the night. We’re not actually nocturnal creatures—we prefer dusk and dawn. We aren’t necessarily clingy, but we do expect high quality attention—and we do love your companionship. We’re independent, but we also enjoy attention. However, we demand just the right amount of attention and at exactly the right time. There is no contradiction here. When we say “Hello,” don’t ignore us, else there will be a price to pay, but don’t blame us and don't make us pay the price. We’re intuitive, smart, and social, and you ignore this at your own peril. It’s best for you not to think of our requirements as “excessive” demands. They’re reasonable requirements for any cat to thrive and live a vibrant life and you can surely give us your best. Always remember that we demand attention and companionship, but only on demand and in precise morsels. Above all, we aren’t selfish loner automatons as some of you might mistakenly think, and don't be misled by our surface deadpan expurressions. A final world of advice to you: Stay strong, pay attention, acknowledge us as complex, conscious, emotional beings, care for us, and we'll melt in your arms. Cattus Dixit.
