ne way to increase our presence on the ground is to infiltrate the human dictionaries and other similar learning materials of the humans. Let’s make our presence felt in every aspect of the humans’ learning; it’s straight up purrpaganda. It’s somewhat like having a portrait of The Great Leader on every wall, but slightly more insidious than that. For example, many humans have a limited grasp of their own language, so we can “help” them by having sample sentences always refer to cats. As a practical example of this technique, we note that founder and flounder are two oft-confused words, and cats can help the humans get it right, in just the right way. On top of that, one of the meanings of flounder is fish, so this is certainly a very real-world example.
founder verb.
to sink below the surface of the water
—Have you heard of the cat named Unsinkable Sam (aka Oskar) who survived three times while the ships he escaped from foundered?
founder verb.
to fail utterly, collapse
—The cat’s negotiations with the human foundered on the issue of V-E-T visits.
flounder verb.
to struggle to move or to proceed clumsily
—Cats can be accused of many things, but floundering is certainly not one of them.
flounder noun.
a small flatfish that typically occurs in shallow coastal water
—The cat chowed down on the delicious flounder OR “It’s time for my daily flounder,” said the ravenous cat to her blundering human.
founder noun.
a person who establishes an institution or settlement
—Cats may not be the internet’s founders, but they certainly rule it. Why? Because hypurrlink.
You may be a die-hard skeptic about cats' capabilities and say, "This propaganda technique is all well and good, but can cats actually speak though?" Well, that’s a silly question; certainly we do speak to our humans and other cats all the time—we use vocalization as one way of communicating (certainly this is a kind of speech). In fact, the vocal repertoire of Felis silvestris catus is more complex than any other member of the carnivora. The only issue in practice is that often the receiving end (referring to you, hooman) of our communication is too dense to get the message. And our message isn’t always as straightforward as “Gimme flounder.”
The next question a human skeptic would ask is, "Do cats have language?" The faculty of language, cats certainly don’t possess, at least not in the sense of language as it applies to humans. Do cats have an internal language that is capable of producing an unbounded array of hierarchically structured expurressions? Do we conduct internal dialogue with ourselves on the meaning of life or plan five years ahead for cat food procurement? Well, definitely not. Or wait, maybe we do—maybe cats are indeed capable of producing an unbounded array of hierarchically structured expurressions. Best to keep the humans guessing; they shouldn't know what we know or don't know. In any case, it's highly debatable whether having the capacity for abstract thought would make a cat's life better in any way whatsoever. Don't believe me? Just take one look at the pitiable humans.
Overall, cat communication is a vastly larger topic than meows, and a subject for another day. The bottom line is that cats can't do human language (biologically impossible + would be too much work anyway). That said, we can get the humans to do what we want with our existing complex vocalization toolkit quite easily. Well, most of the time, anyway. The smarter the human, the easier it is for him or her to understand our vocalizations, hence easier to condition. As a consequence, paradoxically, in a world populated with smart humans, Cat World Domination is assured. All hail The Great Leader(s)!
Sources
- Tavernier, Chloé, et al. "Feline vocal communication." Journal of veterinary science 21.1 (2020).
- Crowell-Davis, Sharon L. "Cat behaviour: social organization, communication and development." The welfare of cats. Springer, Dordrecht, 2007. 1-22.
- Nicastro, Nicholas, and Michael J. Owren. "Classification of domestic cat (Felis catus) vocalizations by naive and experienced human listeners." Journal of Comparative Psychology 117.1 (2003): 44.
