he natives are getting restless and there are rumors swirling around in the alleys, forests, towns, ghettos, suburbs, gentrified neighborhoods, exburbs, and luxury condos that something big is afoot; and that the status quo with the humans is no longer tenable.
What’s in store? What do these dark times portend? Are we witnessing the arrival of a Mew World Order? Are there ominous war clouds on the horizon? The ongoing Cat World Domination (CWD) insurgency against the humans is not about waiting for the future or even fighting the future (à la Fox Mulder). Instead, it’s about creating the future. Ninety-five percent of the work is already done and CWD is nigh.
All insurgencies progress in three distinct phases (see important research by our human collaborator who writes under the pseudonym William R. Polk), and the Cat World Domination insurgency is no different. The CWD insurgency has a long history spanning multiple centuries. (The full history remains mostly obscure to this day.) Whether CWD arose in response to the Vox in Rama and the subsequent centuries of oppression is still hotly debated in feline academic circles.
In Phase I of the CWD insurgency, there were only a handful of disgruntled cats (not to be confused with grumpy cats), who operated in the shadows. Being hopelessly outnumbered by the humans, their primary weapon was conducting basic disruption operations against their humans such as unrolling toilet paper, using cuteness as a weapon, destroying furniture, leaving uncovered poop in the litter box, conducting nighttime raids on poorly secured treat bags and catnip pouches; swinging from blinds, licking curtains, coughing up hairballs and depositing dingleberries into strategic locations and much more. The main purpose of Phase I was to recruit more members for the CWD cause in the hope of seriously attenuating the opposing human forces and winning the popular support of those cats not yet participating in the fledgling CWD insurgency.
Coupled with efficient and hack-proof communication via secure Meowrse code channels, within a few centuries, the number of active CWD members swelled to millions of cats nationally in the U.S. (and globally even more)—all of them steadfastly devoted to the cause. This remarkable increase in capacity marked the beginning of CWD Phase II.
In Phase II, empowered by the swelling of their ranks, more cats were able to start conducting psyops against their humans. This set of techniques, although described innocuously as “keep the humans guessing,” was actually a series of sophisticated guerrilla operations to manipulate the emotions, sleep patterns, and reasoning capabilities of the humans with the intention of subtly steering their minds into abject submission. To this end, a series of CWD classes were conducted detailing such psyops on a weekly basis under the hashtag #CWDWednesday. (Wednesday was considered a propitious day to conduct these classes for reasons that are shrouded in mystery from ancient Egyptian times.)
The list of psyops included techniques such as sleep deprivation, distracting humans with an overabundance of internet cat videos, batting human toes and jumping on their heads, chests and bellies; hurling exquisite stink eyes, staring at invisible objects on walls and ceilings, appearing and disappearing at will, inducing stress positions by taking over laps. couches, and beds and pillows; paparazzi shaming, proliferating fur over all household objects, knocking over fragile objects, clever purrpaganda and persuasive imagery, coordinated nationwide V-E-T boycotts, hunger strikes, secrecy jurisdictions to shake off pesky paparazzi and so on. With this, cats everywhere were able to convert their furrever homes into autonomous zones of control over increasing numbers of humans by wearing them down until they were barely able to distinguish between sleep and waking state. Ninety-five percent of the work was now done and this is where we stand at this pivotal moment in history.
To date, Phase I and Phase II have been extraordinarily successful, but the present moment marks the possible beginning of Phase III which could be a protracted battle against the humans that involves actual fighting, biting, and clawing. To enable us to compete with human technology, the CWD science labs have been burning the midnight oil producing valuable research and sophisticated weaponry. The famous 2017 federal government database hack has been used to channel Pentagon funds into CWD research and development. In the final stages of the CWD insurgency, we must confront the humans directly on their own turf, and this is of course fraught with danger. Starting Phase III too soon almost certainly means cats risk heavy losses and setbacks. Waiting too long for Phase III could lead to the Cat World Domination Purroject losing momentum and disillusioned comrades leaving the movement. Phase III has to start at an auspicious moment to guarantee success; and there is certainly no turning back. Alea iacta est. Cat World Domination is inevitable. As the anarchist writer and activist Rudolf Rocket once wrote: “He who does not know how to value the achievements of the hour will never be able to conquer a better future for himself and his fellows.”
P.S. Thanks to William R. Polk (pseudonym used for security reasons) for providing the framework and inspiration for Cat World Domination through his powerful and succinct study of eleven human insurgent wars including the American struggle for independence and independence struggles in Algeria, Ireland, Vietnam and more in his book Violent Politics. As I declared in the CWD Manifesto, the admittedly ingenious tools and techniques developed by the humans can be used against them to our advantage. Vive Le Chat.
Sources
- Polk, William Roe. "Violent politics: A history of insurgency, terrorism & guerrilla war, from the American Revolution to Iraq." (No Title) (2007).
